Storytime: The birds, the bees and Buzz

Alright, just gonna warn you: there's no sex in this.

They talk about sex, they give subtle hints to babymaking, but there's nothing. Thank goodness you say?

Wrong. 

It's about the Toy Story gang, teaching Buzz the Retard about sex. Apparently, they didn't teach Sex Ed. in Spaceranger Academy...

Author's Note: This is my first adult Toy Story fic. I've tried my best to keep it PG-13, but it does deal with a mature subject matter. The characters are adults after all and sooner or later the subject's bound to come up. (Oh come on...)

By the way, the book "How Babies Are Made" by Andrew C. Andry and Steven Schepp is a real book published in 1968. It's credited with one of the first books to deal with the subject in a way that children could understand and parents wouldn't be embarrassed by. It was meant for parents and children to read together.

(Oh for fuck sake, this is the most awkward shizz I've ever read so lets just get it over with!)

---

The Birds the bees and Buzz by MeganKoumori

It was a quiet afternoon in Andy's room. Bo and Jessie sat on Andy's desk as they watched a program. "Gosh, ain't that amazin'?" Said Jessie, leaning forward. "The things they can do with technology?"

"It's absolutely precious."

(”Yeah! 3D porn is AMAZING!”)

Behind them, Buzz pulled himself up on the desk. They turned and smiled. "Hi Buzz," they said together.

"Hi. I just came up here to get a magazine." He stooped and picked up the latest issue of Andy's 'Hot Roddin' Jr.' from near the window. As Buzz stood up, he saw the screen. He made a face. "What is wrong with that child? It's all yellow and…squishy looking…"

(IT'S AN ASIAN KID YOU RACIST FUCK!)

Jessie grinned and rocked back and forth. "I'll shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy…"

Bo sighed. "It's an ultrasound, Buzz. That's not what the baby will really look like."

"An ultrasound?"

"You know what an ultrasound is!" Jessie looked at him. "It's a machine that doctors use to take pictures of a baby inside the mom's tummy!"

"Inside her tummy?" Buzz repeated as he dropped the magazine in surprise. "You mean that child's mother ate her baby?"

(Yes. Buzz Lightyear is the Galaxys BIGGEST retard.)

Bo groaned and put a hand to her face. "No, Buzz! She's going to have a baby!"

"They're giving her another one after she ate the first?"

Bo and Jessie looked at each other. "Is he joking?"

"Beats me." Jessie shrugged.

"Buzz," Bo explained patiently. "We're watching a show on the nine month gestation period of human babies."

"Where babies come from!" Jessie added.

"Oh. Yeah. Where babies come from…" Buzz repeated slowly. He looked away.

Again Bo and Jessie shared a look. "Buzz," said Bo. "You do know where babies come from, don't you?"

(Bitch please. This man has probably been studying and training since before he learned to walk! He went to the toughest, strictest Starfleet Academy known to mankind! He is a supersoldier with a mind sharper than Madonnas tits! He has sworn to protect the Galaxy against the evil emperor Zurg! HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING LASERGUN ATTACHED TO HIS ARM! THIS MOTHERFUCKER CAN FLY!

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!)

"Who me?" Buzz gave an unconvincing laugh. "Of course I know! Everyone knows!" As the two girls started to watch the show again, he picked up his magazine and headed toward the edge of the desk. "They come from the stork, right?"

(Except for me. I came from the vulture)

Bo and Jessie turned and looked at his disappearing form. "The stork?"

---

Buzz was seated in front of Andy's bed as he looked through the magazine. Woody and Bo were standing by the dresser out of earshot. They looked toward Buzz while they talked.

Woody didn't look too happy. "Why me?"

(Because fuck you, that's why!)

"You're his best friend! If anyone's going to tell him, it should be you!"

"But I…"

"Look, sooner or later he's going to find out on his own. So what do you think is best, tell him now in a way that he understands from someone he trusts, or have him learn from some crass TV show that'll just confuse him?"

Woody looked at Buzz and then back at her. "Can't you do it? You're better at this stuff than I am."

Bo sighed. "Ok, if you want me to talk to your best friend about that, I guess I could…" She started to walk slowly toward Buzz but Woody jumped in front of her.

(”God DAMN it Bo! I said TALK! Not DEMONSTRATE!”)

"Ok, ok! Bad idea! I'll…" He sighed and put a hand to his forehead. "I'll talk to him, all right?" Bo watched him walk to the bed. "Why do this things always happen to me?" He muttered.

Buzz had his nose stuck in some interview as Woody sat down next to him. He coughed. "Hey Buzz. Can I talk to you for a second?"

(Oh Gods, I can't read this... it's just too fucking AWKWARD to think that someone actually imagined this in their head!)

Buzz looked up from the magazine. "Sure. What about?"

"Wellll…" Woody drawled. He looked at Bo, who gave him a "Go On" look. He turned back to Buzz. "I wanted to talk to you about…the birds and the bees."

Buzz blinked. "What?"

Woody tried again. "You know. The facts of life."

(You're gonna discuss cunnilungus. NOT about some David Attenburough show!)

"The TV show?"

"No!" Woody tried a third time. "Whoopee."

(… Woody just used the word ”Whoopee” as a substitute word for sex? I don't think Woody is ready for this...)

"Huh?"

Woody finally jumped up. "SEX BUZZ!" He yelled in frustration. "SEX SEX SEX!"

Everyone in the room stopped and looked at him. Woody's cheeks burned at his outburst and he tried to pull his hat down over his face as he sat back down.

(Meanwhile downstairs:

Andys mom: ”Huh? Did you just hear something?”

Smoking-fatass-drinking-Douchebag-in-Wifebeater-that-Andys-mom-is-dating: ”Yeah, I think it might've been some sort of message from a higher plane. Lets do whatever it say!”)

"Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?" He asked.

Buzz started to nod then shook his head. "No. Not really, no."

Woody decided to take a different approach. "Ok, tell me. Where do you think babies come from?"

"Well…" Buzz played with his thumbs. "First the stork comes to deliver the baby and the parents are so excited that they give him a drink. It happens over and over until he gets really drunk. Then he loses the baby gorilla so he hits Bugs Bunny over the head…"

Woody had his face buried in his hands. "No Buzz." He said. "No, you are way off."

(”Its DAFFY who gets hit in the head with a baby BEAR! GOD DAMN IT SPACERANGER! Get it right for ONCE, will ya?! You're such a disgrace!”)

"Then tell me. Where do they come from?"

Woody's face was beet red. "Well, ah…" He coughed and cleared his throat. "First you have a man and a woman and they…" His voice faltered as Buzz looked at him expectantly. "They…well…and then they…then…and that's how we were all born!" He quickly stood and hurried away. A moment later he was led back by Bo, who held his arm with her crook.

(Oh you silly cowboy you! You weren't born: you were mass produced in a cellar in Hong-Kong by hundreds of seven year olds!)

She held a blue and purple hardback book as she sighed. "Here Buzz, just read this."

Buzz took the book. "'How Babies Are Made by Andrew C. Andry and Steven Schepp.'" He read before opening it to the first page.

Woody scowled as he followed Bo. "You could've saved me a lot of time!"

"I thought you could handle it."

"Who me?"

(To Woody defense: NOBODY should ever have to tell their 40-year old virgin University-boy best friend how babies are made! EVER!)

Buzz wasn't paying attention: "'Have you ever thought about how babies grow? Have you ever wondered how you were born…'"

---

It was about half an hour later when Woody rejoined Buzz. He hadn't moved from his spot and was still looking at the book. Woody crossed his arms as he leaned against the bed. "So are you understanding better?"

"Not really," said Buzz, not looking up. "But I know it has something to do with the pollen and the stamen…" Woody leaned over. Seeing that his friend was reading about plant fertilization, he quickly flipped the pages. "Oh." Said Buzz. "Oh…" He held the book away from him in surprise. "Those people have no clothes on!"

(”Wait, WHO THE FUCK PUT MY BRAZZERS MAGAZINE HERE?!” Woody roared with rage)

"They're not real people, Buzz."

"But they have no clothes!"

"Buzz, they're paper cutouts photographed to make an illustration! I'm sure they don't mind!"

Buzz was looking at the male cutout. He pointed to a spot on the page. "Is that what I think it is?"

(Yes Buzz. It's the big Clockwork itself.)

Woody looked away in embarrassment. "Yep."

"It looks like a Vienna Sausage!"

(AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA)

Woody's eyes nearly popped out of his head as his head jerked back. "It does not!"

"Yes it does!"

"Buzz, that's not what one really looks like, ok?" Woody took a seat next to him. As Buzz continued to read, he avoided looking at the book. Instead he fidgeted uncomfortably.

(… I thought you two were men and knew all about the shape and looks of dicks... I was wrong...)

Finally, Buzz stopped reading. "So the baby comes out here?"

(No, from the ear, DOFUS!)

"That's right."

Buzz was silent for a moment as he pondered. "Wouldn't that hurt?" He was startled as, near the nightstand, Bo and Jessie began to laugh uproariously.

"Yes Buzz." Woody said with a sigh. "It hurts very much."

(Like a bitch!)

Buzz closed the book. "So that's where babies come from."

"Uh huh."

"All babies?"

"All babies."

"No stork?"

"No stork."

(The truth hurts us all sooner or later, El Buzzo...)

Again Buzz was quiet, deep in thought. "So if this is where all babies come from then, why are you so embarrassed?"

Standing by Bo, Jessie muttered to her with a smile, "Oh this I gotta hear."

(Here comes the best part! And with the best part I mean of course the worst!)

The Cowboy's wooden face had turned fire engine red. "Well, you see…uh…" He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "It's not always…I mean…people, human people that is, they, um…sometimes, a lot of times, they do it for fun…"

(With an emphasiz on ”A lot of times”)

"Fun?" Buzz repeated. "Fun…fun…" He muttered, furrowing his brow as he tried to process this statement. His eyes lit up in understanding. "Oh I get it! It's a recreational activity!"

Woody had put his face in his hands in embarrassment. "Sure, Buzz." He said into his palms. "A recreational activity."

Buzz was looking down at his own nether regions. "But toys can't."

(As I said: the truth hurts)

"Not exactly." Woody shrugged. "I mean, you don't have to go all the way to have fun." Realizing what he had just said, he groaned.

"So…" Buzz leaned back and looked at him. "Do you…"

"Buzz!" Woody cried aghast. "C'mon! That's none of your business!"

Jessie looked over at Bo, who was now blushing herself, and snickered.

"Buzz," Woody sighed. "This thing that happens…It's very personal. In fact, it's probably the most personal thing a person can do. You don't talk about it. At least that's how it should be. It's how it was before daytime talk shows anyway. And maybe someday…" He looked over at Jessie. "You'll find out for yourself." Jessie stopped snickering as her face flushed.

(Oh good Gods, this is soo awful... 

 

Ooooh my poor squeedily spooch...)

"You think?" Buzz asked.

"Probably."

The two friends were quiet for a minute as they stared ahead, not really looking at anything. Buzz cleared his throat. "So, how did you the first time…"

"I adlibbed." Woody answered dryly. Bo turned away quickly to hide her face. Buzz took notice.

"So you two…" He frowned. "But you're thirty-nine years old!"

(OhmyGodIdon'twantthisanymorepleasemakeitstop!)

 

"I was only thirty-six when I met Bo. I never had a girlfriend before her." Woody confessed. "Not even a date. But," he sat up straight. "It's ok. When you meet the right person, you'll find out she was worth the wait." He smiled at Bo. She smiled shyly back.

(Fucking VIRGINS! ALL OF YOU!)

"The right person…" Buzz murmured. His blue eyes slid over to Jessie. They both turned red and looked away.

"Well Buzz," Woody finished. "You learn something new everyday."

"Uh-huh." Buzz agreed. There was a moment of silence. "No wonder you're always so happy when you come back from your dates." Woody gave him a shove on the shoulder.

The Ranger chuckled. "Something new everyday…"

And what have we learned today?

That vodka and rum is EXCELLENT for deleting fanfictions like this from our poor, mushy brains!

Bottoms up!