Storytime: Clubs, Drugs and Undercover Cops

Alright, now i'm in Finland, which means I have internet so I better run another one of these!
 So far we've got porn about fast food, pedofile rodents, birds, Snape and teletubbies, Toy Story (although they just talked about it, but it still counts!) Spongebob and stupidity.

I know, how about some MOTHERFUCKING MICROBES fucking the BEJEEZUS outta each other!?

Ever heard about Osmosis Jones? Ozzy, the sassy, swaggy, very black-even-if-he's-a-WHITE bloodcell voiced by Chris Rock? Yeah, he's about to get banged by the villain of the movie: Thrax. A surprisingly good-looking virus....

....

Ahum! Let's have some Chemistry 101:

A/N: pathogens are any substance harming the body; also remember that alcohol goes to your liver

Then my liver gotta be one HELLUVA party!

Considering everything in artform you can find on google with these two, I WAS A FUCKING SAINT FOR PICKING THIS PICTURE AS AN INTRO!

PRAY I DO NOT GO FURTHER!

Clubs, Drugs, and Undercover Cops by amazingredhead

On his own, a lone white blood cell searched for a pathogen gone rouge. His name Jones, Osmosis Jones, and his partner Drix was called out to the nostrils to help with the pollen problem.

(AKA, STD caused by tree-rape)

Word was that the missing germ was hiding out in The Liver, a club run by the infamous virus named Thrax. The Liver was popular for many young cells to get drunk and dance and wearing his normal uniform would just make Jones stand out. Leah had help the young cop pick out a new outfit and shades to hide his face.

(Or he could just squish and stretch his own godamn face like in the movie?

Fact of the day: Osmosis Jones is THE worlds best Master of Disuises

Seriously, IMAGINE THAT YOU COULD JUST CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE APPEARANCE BY JUST PULLING UP YOUR PANTS!

Back to the fuckfic...)

Ozzy made his way to the bar, "What's your poison?" a scruffy cell asked the officer. "Yea just get me some water," he said while scanning the masses for the missing germ who went by the name of Chills. Little did the white blood cell know, Chills was hiding out behind the bar counter and was well aware of the cop sitting at the booth. Before the bartender could get Jones his drink, Chills slipped something into the cup. Sipping down the drink, Ozzy began to feel the urge to move. It began at first as leg shaking, but when that wasn't enough, the cop made his way to the dance floor. Laughing and dancing, he was having the time of his life. Chills began to make his way out the door until a huge figure stepped in front of him, "Hey baby, I don't mind you commin here, dancing it up and partying and all, but you cannot go around puttin drugs in peoples drinks!" Thrax said while running a long, slender red finger across the germs cheek, "Now babycakes I'm gonna take you to the good ol' police and they're gonna take good care of you. Aey you!" he yelled pointing to one of his henchmen, "take this to the police, tell em big daddy sent him as a present". The germ was taken away and Thrax took a look at the club.

(And THAT is how your brilliant plan of escape goes down the shitter thanks to Thrax who suddenly decides to become a goodguy... Or something similar...

Oh, and one more thing:

” Thrax said while running a long, slender red finger across the germs cheek”

That finger has a temperature of motherfucking million degrees calvin...

THE GERM WOULD HAVE EXPLODED!

Oooo, but why do I even fucking bother... they're microbes about to fuck... )

An amused smile spread across his face when he saw the young cop dancing shirtless and yelling. The virus made his way to the white blood cell, "Yo Jones you alright?" he yelled over the music. The cell looked at him and touched his face, "Why are you so red?" he asked stupidly and began laughing.

(Go home, Jones! You're drunk!)

The virus laughed, "Baby, you're outta it! Here let Daddy take care of you," he said while wrapping an arm around the cells waist and leading him out of the club.

 

(No! Let's NOT let Daddy take care of you! He has fathering-issues!)

"Man! Why you gotta go and ruin my fun?" Ozzy complained, "Oh shit! I didn't get that germ guy!". "Chill out, Daddy took care of him now," Thrax said, leading the cell to the small hideout he had, "why don't you go lay down?" Jones pushed the virus to the side, "Noo, I don't want to," he grumbled. The red man sighed, "Then what do you want to do?" A mischievous grin spread across Jones' face, "I wanna have fun!" he squealed, the virus cocked a brow at him, "What kinda fun?" he asked.

(PINKIE PIE PARTY FUN)

"Get down," Ozzy demanded in a serious tone. Curious as to what the cell had planned, he did as he was told and got down on his hands and knees. Ozzy got on and straddled his waist, "Now my steed, move!" he giggled. The red man shook his head and got up, "Okay were doin this Daddy's way".

(We're doing this daddy's way)

He brought the younger man down on his back and held his arms over him. "Thrax, what you doin?" the cell asked feeling a bit concerned. "Aey, you said you wanted to have fun and baby, this is something we can both do and have fun" he said mater-of–factly. Thrax looked at the younger man and saw his pupils were getting smaller, "Well looks like whatever shit was in your drinks wearing off."

(And the Father of the Year award goes to...

NOT THRAX!)

Holding his arms up with one hand, the older man made quick work of the cells pants with the other hand. With Jones completely naked under him, Thrax pushed his knee lightly against the others groin. The cell let out a stifled moan. A smile spread across the viruses face in approval and did it again.

"Thrax, this is weird," the cop said as the virus hoisted his legs up onto his shoulders and positioned himself.

(Now, here comes the fascinating part:

Jones is a white blood cell

Thrax is Anthrax virus

WHY DO THEY HAVE GENITALS?

Because Amazingredhead is a lunatic, apparently!)

A predatory gleam shone in the red man's eyes and a savage smile played across his lips, "Well sweetheart, you ready for this?" A shudder ran through Ozzy's body as he put all the pieces of what was happening together. With the drugs out of his system and his mind clear, he still nodded. Thrax's smile grew and pushed himself into the younger man, "Now, you tell Daddy if it hurts okay?" Jones only managed a nod and a grunt as he was intruded. As the virus pumped in and out, Jones squeezed his eyes shut. This was painful for him until Thrax began to stroke him and he focused on that.

(Yes, you read it correctly. A virus is fucking a white bloodcell...

IS FUCKING

ENJOY YOUR MISERY!)

Every now and then a moan would slip out and quickly choked down by the cop, Thrax thought this was cute, though, he'd never admit he thought anything was cute let alone the turned on, moaning mess that was splayed before him. Thrax continued to buck fiercely into Ozzy while keeping his hand in pace with each thrust. Their breaths mingled with each other along with sweat to create a heavy scent of sex in the room and their gasps and moans bounced off the walls. Jones' moans came louder and more often and Thrax knew that the other was close to his finish. With a scream of the red man's name, Ozzy came and rode out Thrax until he came as well.

(OH THE PAIN!

THE AGONY!)

The virus rested head on the others chest until he pulled out and rolled down next to the younger man. "So baby, fun or what?" Thrax said with a mocking grin only to find the cell on his side already asleep. 'Cute,' the virus thought, but would never say. He got up and cleaned up the mess and placed Jones onto the couch with a blanket. 'Well, gotta get back to work,' Thrax thought, then looked at the sleeping cop. 'Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to sleep in'.

I know, it isn't that great..it's been like 2 years since I've watched the movie. I know the characters are a bit OC and the story isn't really biologically correct, but this story was for my friend! So I hope that regardless, you still enjoyed the story :D

…

Excuse me while I go beat Amazingredhead to death with a Biology for Dummies book!