Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

I don't like Christmas songs. 

I hate Christmas songs.

Especially in Swedish.

And right now I'm helping my aunt out in her flower shop, getting fucking STABBED TO DEATH by MURDER-ROSES from HELL! To the wonderful soundtrack of Thomas DiLeva and Carola... Screaming their lungs off singing about Christmas and stars and Santa Claus and Jingly Bells and love and shit...

Kill me.

Just fucking kill me now.

If I have to hear "Tänd ett ljus" one more time I swear I'll blow up an orphanage.

WHY DIDN'T THE ARMAGEDDON HAPPEN YESTERDAY!? WHY AM I STILL HERE?! WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE AND ENDURE THE STUPIDITY OF MANKIND ANOTHER DAY!?

WORST. APOCALYPSE. EVER!!

...

No...

 Oh no!

OH GOD NO! NOT "LAST CHRISTMAS"! NOT AGAIN!! PLEASE!!

YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING THAT SHITSAUCE FIFTEEN TIMES ALREADY!!

WWWRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Storytime: The birds, the bees and Buzz

Alright, just gonna warn you: there's no sex in this.

They talk about sex, they give subtle hints to babymaking, but there's nothing. Thank goodness you say?

Wrong. 

It's about the Toy Story gang, teaching Buzz the Retard about sex. Apparently, they didn't teach Sex Ed. in Spaceranger Academy...

Author's Note: This is my first adult Toy Story fic. I've tried my best to keep it PG-13, but it does deal with a mature subject matter. The characters are adults after all and sooner or later the subject's bound to come up. (Oh come on...)

By the way, the book "How Babies Are Made" by Andrew C. Andry and Steven Schepp is a real book published in 1968. It's credited with one of the first books to deal with the subject in a way that children could understand and parents wouldn't be embarrassed by. It was meant for parents and children to read together.

(Oh for fuck sake, this is the most awkward shizz I've ever read so lets just get it over with!)

---

The Birds the bees and Buzz by MeganKoumori

It was a quiet afternoon in Andy's room. Bo and Jessie sat on Andy's desk as they watched a program. "Gosh, ain't that amazin'?" Said Jessie, leaning forward. "The things they can do with technology?"

"It's absolutely precious."

(”Yeah! 3D porn is AMAZING!”)

Behind them, Buzz pulled himself up on the desk. They turned and smiled. "Hi Buzz," they said together.

"Hi. I just came up here to get a magazine." He stooped and picked up the latest issue of Andy's 'Hot Roddin' Jr.' from near the window. As Buzz stood up, he saw the screen. He made a face. "What is wrong with that child? It's all yellow and…squishy looking…"

(IT'S AN ASIAN KID YOU RACIST FUCK!)

Jessie grinned and rocked back and forth. "I'll shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy…"

Bo sighed. "It's an ultrasound, Buzz. That's not what the baby will really look like."

"An ultrasound?"

"You know what an ultrasound is!" Jessie looked at him. "It's a machine that doctors use to take pictures of a baby inside the mom's tummy!"

"Inside her tummy?" Buzz repeated as he dropped the magazine in surprise. "You mean that child's mother ate her baby?"

(Yes. Buzz Lightyear is the Galaxys BIGGEST retard.)

Bo groaned and put a hand to her face. "No, Buzz! She's going to have a baby!"

"They're giving her another one after she ate the first?"

Bo and Jessie looked at each other. "Is he joking?"

"Beats me." Jessie shrugged.

"Buzz," Bo explained patiently. "We're watching a show on the nine month gestation period of human babies."

"Where babies come from!" Jessie added.

"Oh. Yeah. Where babies come from…" Buzz repeated slowly. He looked away.

Again Bo and Jessie shared a look. "Buzz," said Bo. "You do know where babies come from, don't you?"

(Bitch please. This man has probably been studying and training since before he learned to walk! He went to the toughest, strictest Starfleet Academy known to mankind! He is a supersoldier with a mind sharper than Madonnas tits! He has sworn to protect the Galaxy against the evil emperor Zurg! HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING LASERGUN ATTACHED TO HIS ARM! THIS MOTHERFUCKER CAN FLY!

OF COURSE HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!)

"Who me?" Buzz gave an unconvincing laugh. "Of course I know! Everyone knows!" As the two girls started to watch the show again, he picked up his magazine and headed toward the edge of the desk. "They come from the stork, right?"

(Except for me. I came from the vulture)

Bo and Jessie turned and looked at his disappearing form. "The stork?"

---

Buzz was seated in front of Andy's bed as he looked through the magazine. Woody and Bo were standing by the dresser out of earshot. They looked toward Buzz while they talked.

Woody didn't look too happy. "Why me?"

(Because fuck you, that's why!)

"You're his best friend! If anyone's going to tell him, it should be you!"

"But I…"

"Look, sooner or later he's going to find out on his own. So what do you think is best, tell him now in a way that he understands from someone he trusts, or have him learn from some crass TV show that'll just confuse him?"

Woody looked at Buzz and then back at her. "Can't you do it? You're better at this stuff than I am."

Bo sighed. "Ok, if you want me to talk to your best friend about that, I guess I could…" She started to walk slowly toward Buzz but Woody jumped in front of her.

(”God DAMN it Bo! I said TALK! Not DEMONSTRATE!”)

"Ok, ok! Bad idea! I'll…" He sighed and put a hand to his forehead. "I'll talk to him, all right?" Bo watched him walk to the bed. "Why do this things always happen to me?" He muttered.

Buzz had his nose stuck in some interview as Woody sat down next to him. He coughed. "Hey Buzz. Can I talk to you for a second?"

(Oh Gods, I can't read this... it's just too fucking AWKWARD to think that someone actually imagined this in their head!)

Buzz looked up from the magazine. "Sure. What about?"

"Wellll…" Woody drawled. He looked at Bo, who gave him a "Go On" look. He turned back to Buzz. "I wanted to talk to you about…the birds and the bees."

Buzz blinked. "What?"

Woody tried again. "You know. The facts of life."

(You're gonna discuss cunnilungus. NOT about some David Attenburough show!)

"The TV show?"

"No!" Woody tried a third time. "Whoopee."

(… Woody just used the word ”Whoopee” as a substitute word for sex? I don't think Woody is ready for this...)

"Huh?"

Woody finally jumped up. "SEX BUZZ!" He yelled in frustration. "SEX SEX SEX!"

Everyone in the room stopped and looked at him. Woody's cheeks burned at his outburst and he tried to pull his hat down over his face as he sat back down.

(Meanwhile downstairs:

Andys mom: ”Huh? Did you just hear something?”

Smoking-fatass-drinking-Douchebag-in-Wifebeater-that-Andys-mom-is-dating: ”Yeah, I think it might've been some sort of message from a higher plane. Lets do whatever it say!”)

"Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?" He asked.

Buzz started to nod then shook his head. "No. Not really, no."

Woody decided to take a different approach. "Ok, tell me. Where do you think babies come from?"

"Well…" Buzz played with his thumbs. "First the stork comes to deliver the baby and the parents are so excited that they give him a drink. It happens over and over until he gets really drunk. Then he loses the baby gorilla so he hits Bugs Bunny over the head…"

Woody had his face buried in his hands. "No Buzz." He said. "No, you are way off."

(”Its DAFFY who gets hit in the head with a baby BEAR! GOD DAMN IT SPACERANGER! Get it right for ONCE, will ya?! You're such a disgrace!”)

"Then tell me. Where do they come from?"

Woody's face was beet red. "Well, ah…" He coughed and cleared his throat. "First you have a man and a woman and they…" His voice faltered as Buzz looked at him expectantly. "They…well…and then they…then…and that's how we were all born!" He quickly stood and hurried away. A moment later he was led back by Bo, who held his arm with her crook.

(Oh you silly cowboy you! You weren't born: you were mass produced in a cellar in Hong-Kong by hundreds of seven year olds!)

She held a blue and purple hardback book as she sighed. "Here Buzz, just read this."

Buzz took the book. "'How Babies Are Made by Andrew C. Andry and Steven Schepp.'" He read before opening it to the first page.

Woody scowled as he followed Bo. "You could've saved me a lot of time!"

"I thought you could handle it."

"Who me?"

(To Woody defense: NOBODY should ever have to tell their 40-year old virgin University-boy best friend how babies are made! EVER!)

Buzz wasn't paying attention: "'Have you ever thought about how babies grow? Have you ever wondered how you were born…'"

---

It was about half an hour later when Woody rejoined Buzz. He hadn't moved from his spot and was still looking at the book. Woody crossed his arms as he leaned against the bed. "So are you understanding better?"

"Not really," said Buzz, not looking up. "But I know it has something to do with the pollen and the stamen…" Woody leaned over. Seeing that his friend was reading about plant fertilization, he quickly flipped the pages. "Oh." Said Buzz. "Oh…" He held the book away from him in surprise. "Those people have no clothes on!"

(”Wait, WHO THE FUCK PUT MY BRAZZERS MAGAZINE HERE?!” Woody roared with rage)

"They're not real people, Buzz."

"But they have no clothes!"

"Buzz, they're paper cutouts photographed to make an illustration! I'm sure they don't mind!"

Buzz was looking at the male cutout. He pointed to a spot on the page. "Is that what I think it is?"

(Yes Buzz. It's the big Clockwork itself.)

Woody looked away in embarrassment. "Yep."

"It looks like a Vienna Sausage!"

(AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA)

Woody's eyes nearly popped out of his head as his head jerked back. "It does not!"

"Yes it does!"

"Buzz, that's not what one really looks like, ok?" Woody took a seat next to him. As Buzz continued to read, he avoided looking at the book. Instead he fidgeted uncomfortably.

(… I thought you two were men and knew all about the shape and looks of dicks... I was wrong...)

Finally, Buzz stopped reading. "So the baby comes out here?"

(No, from the ear, DOFUS!)

"That's right."

Buzz was silent for a moment as he pondered. "Wouldn't that hurt?" He was startled as, near the nightstand, Bo and Jessie began to laugh uproariously.

"Yes Buzz." Woody said with a sigh. "It hurts very much."

(Like a bitch!)

Buzz closed the book. "So that's where babies come from."

"Uh huh."

"All babies?"

"All babies."

"No stork?"

"No stork."

(The truth hurts us all sooner or later, El Buzzo...)

Again Buzz was quiet, deep in thought. "So if this is where all babies come from then, why are you so embarrassed?"

Standing by Bo, Jessie muttered to her with a smile, "Oh this I gotta hear."

(Here comes the best part! And with the best part I mean of course the worst!)

The Cowboy's wooden face had turned fire engine red. "Well, you see…uh…" He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "It's not always…I mean…people, human people that is, they, um…sometimes, a lot of times, they do it for fun…"

(With an emphasiz on ”A lot of times”)

"Fun?" Buzz repeated. "Fun…fun…" He muttered, furrowing his brow as he tried to process this statement. His eyes lit up in understanding. "Oh I get it! It's a recreational activity!"

Woody had put his face in his hands in embarrassment. "Sure, Buzz." He said into his palms. "A recreational activity."

Buzz was looking down at his own nether regions. "But toys can't."

(As I said: the truth hurts)

"Not exactly." Woody shrugged. "I mean, you don't have to go all the way to have fun." Realizing what he had just said, he groaned.

"So…" Buzz leaned back and looked at him. "Do you…"

"Buzz!" Woody cried aghast. "C'mon! That's none of your business!"

Jessie looked over at Bo, who was now blushing herself, and snickered.

"Buzz," Woody sighed. "This thing that happens…It's very personal. In fact, it's probably the most personal thing a person can do. You don't talk about it. At least that's how it should be. It's how it was before daytime talk shows anyway. And maybe someday…" He looked over at Jessie. "You'll find out for yourself." Jessie stopped snickering as her face flushed.

(Oh good Gods, this is soo awful... 

 

Ooooh my poor squeedily spooch...)

"You think?" Buzz asked.

"Probably."

The two friends were quiet for a minute as they stared ahead, not really looking at anything. Buzz cleared his throat. "So, how did you the first time…"

"I adlibbed." Woody answered dryly. Bo turned away quickly to hide her face. Buzz took notice.

"So you two…" He frowned. "But you're thirty-nine years old!"

(OhmyGodIdon'twantthisanymorepleasemakeitstop!)

 

"I was only thirty-six when I met Bo. I never had a girlfriend before her." Woody confessed. "Not even a date. But," he sat up straight. "It's ok. When you meet the right person, you'll find out she was worth the wait." He smiled at Bo. She smiled shyly back.

(Fucking VIRGINS! ALL OF YOU!)

"The right person…" Buzz murmured. His blue eyes slid over to Jessie. They both turned red and looked away.

"Well Buzz," Woody finished. "You learn something new everyday."

"Uh-huh." Buzz agreed. There was a moment of silence. "No wonder you're always so happy when you come back from your dates." Woody gave him a shove on the shoulder.

The Ranger chuckled. "Something new everyday…"

And what have we learned today?

That vodka and rum is EXCELLENT for deleting fanfictions like this from our poor, mushy brains!

Bottoms up!

Humans

So, here I sit on my fat ass in class. In my safe Natural Resources school in the middle of Nowhere. Eating saffronbuns and ginger breads. Drinking Julmust. Getting fatter than the average American.

Meanwhile!

In a school in Connecticut, a whole bunch of kids will never see their friends again. They will never connect Christmas with happiness and friendship again.

At the age of 6-7, they saw their best friends die.

Why?

Because an asswipe/Gajerra brothers wannabe thinks the world will end on friday so he grabbed a gun went loco in an elementary school...

Really?

REALLY?!

FOR FUCK SAKE, HUMANS!

THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHY ALIENS WONT TALK TO US!

AND YOU ALL BETTER KNOCK THAT SHIT OUT BECAUSE I WANNA MEET ONE!!

Why would anyone freakin' massacre a bunch of kids?! Sure, kids are mean, disgusting little vile creatures spawned from Hell, but really? They are defenseless you fucking coward! A REAL MAN DOESN'T KILL KIDS!! GO AND WRESTLE A FUCKING GRIZZLY OR SOMETHING IF YOU WANT TO FEEL LIKE CHUCK NORRIS!

And then I heard about a mall shooting, FHAT THE WUCK?! Is it because of 12.12.21?!

REALLY!?

I don't even... WHAT!?

...

I give up.

I feel like going back to the Digger webcomic and cry over Eds death again.

I'm gonna go and  crawl under a rock and sleep 'til Christmas. Then after I've fatten myself with some pigs arse I'm gonna go back to sleep again and WON'T wake up until humanity has evolved a sense of sanity...

I don't wanna live on this planet anymore...

Fucking respect man, RESPECT!

Anyone up for some more Swedish news??

HELL FUCKING NO!

Too bad! Life's a bitch, isn't it?

Y'all see this guy?

Y'ALL SEE THIS HANDSOME MOTHERFUCKER?!

His name is Daniel Sotomayor from Säffle in Sweden. 

This motherfucker died saving his mother from getting stabbed by her ex.

You have my respect bro. You and only a handfull of people have my respect.

From what I've understood from the news, is that his mothers ex is known in Säffle for becoming violent when he drinks and have abused Daniels mother. Friends to Daniel have told the press that Daniel often had to go between them. And I guess things just went utterly out of hand here. And the one who got to pay the prize was thing young, brave gent...

The Ex is nothing but a spineless coward and it's men like him who makes other men look bad! I know life's unfair, but really? REALLY?! This pisses me off GREATLY!

No wonder so many women are afraid of men, AND NO FUCKING WONDER FEMINISTS EXISTS! It's men like Daniel here, REAL MEN, who should be rolemodels for mankind, NOT THE ASSWIPES WHO COMMITS  THE CRIMES!

Men (and women) who abuses, doesn't matter who: animals, women, children, mailboxes, gingers etc, are what's wrong with this world (them and the new retarded generation of humans). And whenever someone tries to do something good for others, he/she is immediately punished.

Yep, the world is an amazing place, isn't it?

Daniel "Plutten" Sotomayor, you are worth all the respect anyone can give you for standing up for your mother. But you could've called me so we could kick that son of a shiteating boarcunts ass together...

Here you go, sonny. You've deserved this:

Storytime: Coming of age

I know this might sound crazy, but I think there's actually people out there who reads this crackblog... I know I've got three friends who reads it, but lately I've had at least six pageviews a day WICH IS A GREAT DEAL TO ME! However, I haven't had a single comment though... But that's alright, I really dgaf...

Basil on Baker Street, or just The Great Mouse Detective for you who only saw the Disney movie, and didn't read the books.

Unfortunately not a ground-pillar in my childhood, but that doesn't stop me from ranking this movie as #3 as my all-time favorite Disney films, and #5 for my all time favorite books.

I found this shitsauce while seeking through the deepest, darkest parts of fanfiction.net after a PewdieCry fic, fishing around in ankledeep sewerwater crammed full of yaoi and Shadow the hedgehogxMary-sue fics. The author, Tabrina, has written a godawful PewdieCry fic dubbed ”Hungry as the wolf”, which I might one day consider to maybe run here. Maybe. But now, I'm showing you Coming of Age, something in my eyes FAR more evil than her two PewdieCry fics COMBINED!

First, we've got a little AN from the bringer of chaos herself:

Seriously… just shoot me now for this… inspiration hit and who am I to deny my inner dirty horrible muse what she wants. TT~TT

I own nothing, of course, and I'm just borrowing these characters for my horrible ideas. This is really going to be just a drabble, so nothing too serious…

YOUR STORY IS BAD! AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!

Fuck, lets get this over with, ay?

Coming of Age by Tabrina

As Basil stood downstairs in his flat, his eyes wandered around the room, to the various brightly wrapped gifts, to the streamers, to everything else that didn't usually fit his usual rooms attire. Had it been his own birthday he would have found all of this to be utterly ridiculous, but being that the party decorations had been set up for his young ward, he figured he could allow it for the time being.

(Anything for the little brat... Anything)

It had been roughly 8 years since his first run in with little Olivia and her father, and since then, the girl was hardly ever not around him. It began innocently enough, she was constantly underfoot, as she would frequent his home to 'assist' in cases (If you know what I mean). Basil and Dawson were never bothered too much, and would generally give her small tasks in which she would go to work on diligently (Wanna know something funny? Task is slang for ballsack in Swedish... Just thought you might wanna know, as it would be appropriate in this fucking crapezola fanfic...). Of course they would only allow her to help out in the home, and though none of his cases ever measured up to the excitement of catching Ratigan, some of them did still get quite dangerous. When Dawson and him were out, she would generally assist Ms. Judson around his home, though his room was strictly off limits, and he always made sure that there was never anything out of place.

As Olivia grew older, she began to insist to be allowed to help in cases out of his home, and on some of his more mild cases, he would often bend slightly on his rules, and allow her to tag a long. Sometimes she could be a great asset, and though she still had yet to figure something out before him, she would sometimes be a step ahead of Dawson. She was also becoming quite the cook, and he always knew when it was her or Ms Judson that made the cheese crumpets, as there would always be one missing out of a batch when the plate was brought in if Olivia had made them.

(Ya fat little female dog!)

Yet this was not the only things Basil was beginning to notice about the once small girl. He could more often than not catch her vacant stares in his direction, on more than one occasion looking up at her to find her quickly look away with a coloring to her cheeks. Of course this wasn't missed by the sharp witted detective and it was from then on hard to not notice her advancements. Which was becoming harder and harder for Basil to ignore. The once small girl had grown into quite the beautiful young woman, and with age grew curves, and had Basil not hoped she was as innocent as the day he first met her, he began to realize how close she would stand, or how she would lean over just barely when looking at something that involved the case. (You know it's gonna be bad sooner or later, especially when the topic moves off in this direction) Thankfully no one else had yet to notice, but with her advances becoming more and more bold, he was wondering how long it would take the rest to notice. For that matter, how long it would take anyone else to notice that he was actually looking.

(Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you: Proffessor Ratigan, the badguy of the movie/first book. He will accompany us, aiding me with his wide array of facial expressions to allow to fully express my contempt for this fiction)

Basil idly chatted with Hiram and Dawson, as though she was the guest of honor, Olivia had yet to come downstairs. Olivia had many a time fallen asleep in his home, and as she grew older, she almost began to take up residency here in one of the previously vacant rooms. It had once been empty save for a few old papers from cases, and has since been transformed into a young woman's room. It had become so as one night she had fallen asleep in Basil's chair at the small age of 12 after a case that was wearing even him thin. When Hiram had come to fetch her Basil informed Hiram that he had a spare room, and he hate to wake her for a journey home. Hiram though humble at first, finally agreed, and thus the room had since become hers. (Hiram, if you didn't quite catch on fast enough, is Olivias father, and I innerly hope he castrated Basil and stoned Olivia to death shortly after the end of this story)

Ms. Judson burst from the kitchen a large small on her face, and a large cake in her hands, as she set it down on the small table that Dawson had scrounged up for the occasion. (I still can't figure out what a large small on the face is... Suggestions anyone?)

"Oh my, where is Olivia? She almost never sleeps in this late!" Ms. Judson said as she look toward the three men standing around, with no Olivia to be seen. (Don't send Basil up there!)

"We were up pretty late last night, perhaps the extra rest should do her good," Dawson chimed in, looking ready for a small nap himself. The current case was winding to a close, and just the last pieces of the puzzles were still missing.

(Sure, how cute everything is, couldn't they AT LEAST finish the case instead of taking a break to celebrate someones birthday? Seriously, you twits are basically GIVING the bad guy an opportunity to get away for ever! He's got a whole fucking day to get rid of evidence, get rid of witnesses etc. Fucking GENIUS idea, Basil! You surely are the Sherlock Holmes of mice!)

"I shall go fetch her, I think she's had plenty of rest by now doctor," (Oh no you fucking don't!) said Basil as he was already heading towards the stairs. Hiram seemed not to have any qualms, and went on with a previous conversation he had been having with Dawson, that through his musings, Basil had heard nothing of before (Worst. Father. Ever.). As he stepped down the short hallway that led to Olivia's room, he noticed that he saw very little light coming from under the door, and being that there was no window to that room, he wondered why, if she was awake, she had so little light. (Oh here we go again...)

Half expecting no reply, he gently rapped on the door, all but pressing his ear up against the door to listen for a reply. It was merely a moment before a small "come in" was heard on the other side.

As he opened the door, taking a step into the room, he was instantly on his guard as from what he could see, there was no one in the room. The bed had yet to be made, yet he could see no sign of Olivia under the blankets. He was jerked from his thoughts as he heard the door behind him close softly, and as he spun on his heel, ready for any attack the assailant might throw at him, he was certainly not prepared for what he saw before him. (Oprah Winfrey?)

Bathed in the soft glow of the room, stood Olivia, her soft fur nearly completely exposed as all she wore was his shirt, making a mental note to wonder how she had gotten it later, that had only the last two buttons done up, and her red bow, that he almost never saw her without. (She held out a small rag; ”Does this smell like cloroform to you, mr Basil?”) It didn't take long for him to snap back to reality and quickly turn his back to her.

"I'm sorry Ms. Flangerhanger (AUWRGH! Sorry, that was just another part of my soul dying a bit. Nothing to worry about!), you said come in, and I assumed you were decent." Basil was no fool, he knew that even if she hadn't been decent, it wouldn't have been his shirt she would have been wearing. She had planned this, and he had walked right into her trap.

"Basil, you know what today is right," Olivia asked as she walked up behind him, pressing up against his back, and reaching her hands around in front of him, gently undoing the knot in his tie, while the other gently and very skillfully popped the buttons on his vest. 

 (Probably looked something like that ^)

Attempting to remain calm, Basil turned around, and taking a step backwards from her, in hopes in giving himself a bit of distance, and therefore a bit more control. This was all for naught as the sharp movement had caused his shirt to become displaced a bit, as one of her breasts barely remained covered. It was all he could do from staring at her, and tried to keep his eyes upwards towards the ceiling.

"Today is your birthday, which is why everyone is downstairs awaiting your arrival." Suddenly wondering how terrible it would be if any of the guests downstairs were to come up looking for the now two missing guests (That awkward moment when you're banging your friends daughter and her father suddenly walks into the room...). Practically holding his breath as she once again walked right before him, only a breath away, standing just slightly on her toes so that her lips were almost aligned with his as she spoke again.

"Mmhmm, but what birthday, Basil?" Olivia enquired as her lips nearly ghosted his, placing her hands on his shoulders to help steady herself on her toes, almost surprised herself that Basil hadn't fled to the door (I'm not surprised...). She had tried to be as forward as she could without actually throwing herself at him for a few years, but knowing Basil was a proper mouse, and knew the dangers of her age, it was more of a tease for them both. Though she couldn't deny the excitement she got when she would notice his eyes slip over her form, or in some cases down the top of her dresses, when she would lean provocatively towards him.

"Today is to be your 18th birthday, Olivia," Basil all but whispered, a lump forming in his throat as he fought with himself over his options. He was sure that this encounter was to end in either of two ways. The first way being he rush from the room and back downstairs, flushed, and quite aroused, yet never having to worry about what either Dawson, or worse Hiram would say. (I would chose option #1...)

He chose the second option, which was to quite forcefully pull Olivia towards him, her breasts pressed up against his chest as their lips connected, in a union that had been a long time coming. The way her body relaxed against his let him know that though she had seemed confident she was just as scared as he to whether this was the correct action to take. (...But then again I'm not a pedomouse)

Her lips were amazingly soft against his, along with every other part of her he could feel against him. As their kiss lingered, he could feel her now shaking fingers set to work on the buttons on his vest, and working to disrobe him of his other clothing. As Olivia broke the kiss, his nerves got the better of him, and he wondered if he was so out of practice that perhaps she had not enjoyed it. Only to find that her reasoning was not that, but instead so she could focus on working on one particular button that she had apparently been having troubles with. Basil couldn't help but give a small chuckle, to which she blushed furiously, and he assisted her, having his vest and shirt off in no time.

(Y'know, if this was a scene from one of my fanfiction-writing friends story, featuring the cutest CanonxOC couple ever, I would've squee'd my brains out. But knowing that this is written by some fucking perverse psychopath, and about two canon characters whose age-difference must be AT LEAST 20 years makes me wanna roll up into a ball in the nearest ditch and BAWL! SOMETHING isn't right here!

Oh, and one more thing: I know Olivia's 18 here, but I keep seeing this little girl

squirming all over this guy

and it makes my squeedily spooch hurt...)

It was Olivia's turn next, and as he slid his hands under the fabric of his own shirt that seemed to fit her lithe form a bit too well, he slid his hands gently along the smooth fur of her stomach. The soft contact caused a small squirm and giggle from her, and he made note of her sensitivity for later, but was more interested in the matter at hand. His hands slid from her stomach along her breasts, holding back noises of his own as she let out a slight moan at the feel of his hands as they slid past, and up to her shoulders, where he slid the shirt from her, letting it pool to the floor below her.

 (For fuck sake, I know he's about to acquire cunilungus from a frickin' brat, BUT WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE IN CHARACTER?! THAT JUST MAKES EVERYTHING SO MUCH WORSE!!)

He had no idea how he had resisted her this long as he took in every curve of her body, wanting to memorize her just in case this was his last and only chance to behold this sight. As he noticed the way her arms began to move before her in a way to shield herself, he grabbed her hands gently, placing a kiss on her lips and shaking his head.

"There is not a thing to hide my dear, you are astonishing," He whispered, as he stared into her beautiful blue eyes.

(Blue?

...

OOOHH! She's talkin' 'bout THIS little slut!

Then it's okay-er, but still not okay.)

This one endearing sentiment seemed to give her the courage she had started this little game with, as she began to unbutton his trousers while stepping closer to him, causing him to step backward, until the back of his thighs were met with resistance. A quick glance over his shoulder showed him that she had backed him up against the lower portion of the bed, and as her pushing persisted he was forced take a seat just as she had fully undone his pants. He couldn't help but stare as from his seated position he had a full view of her luscious looking breasts, and just a tad lower her beautiful hips. This view only lasted shortly as soon she was straddling his lap, the heat from her body radiating to his own, seeming to set his blood a flame. As she leaned in to kiss him again he felt her hand grab a hold of his, and guide it to her moist center.

As his fingers gently tested the waters so to speak, he memorized every sound the young woman straddling him made in accordance to his touches. It wasn't long before he, as gently as he could, slid his finger inside of her folds, the rest of her soft lips against his palm. Breaking the kiss Olivia buried her face into the crook of his neck, as she whimpered softly right next to his ear, spurring him on even more. Knowing that if this was to go further, she would need to be able to take more than his single finger, he gently pulled his one finger out, only to replace it with two, giving a few experimental pumps for good measure. 

 

(O FOR FUCK SAKE! WHADDYA WANT FROM ME? BLOOD? JUST FUCKING STOP THIS FAGGOTRY ALREADY!)

Olivia keened into his ear, causing him to hold his breath and steel himself as to not move his own hips upwards. He knew she needed this to be slow and gentle, being her first time and all. Though Olivia had other plans. Feeling Basil stiffen below her drove her courage upwards, and as she knew she didn't have all the time in the world before the others would be curious as to why Basil had yet to come down with her in tow, she slid her hand between them, and slid his fingers from her. A mischievous smile was all she gave Basil's confused glance, as she situated herself above him. She imagined he was about to protest, that is until she began to slide his member inside of her, and all he managed was a moan and a furrowing of his brow, as he quickly grabbed onto her hips.

(It's about these two

 

THINK ABOUT IT!)

He was met with no resistance, and this did not come as a surprise to either. Not that Olivia had ever had another partner, she had always been a very active girl, and it was not uncommon for her barrier to tear on it's own during activities (Great. Now I've got an image of a ten year old Olivia Flaversham masturbating with a cucumber etched into my brain forever... THANK YOU, TABRINA! JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!). Of course neither was bothered by this, and it set Basil's mind a bit more at ease, not wanting to hurt Olivia, especially during this most intimate of moments.

The motions were instinctual for them both as Olivia began to raise and lower herself above Basil, her head arms around his shoulders as she tossed her head back, about to moan loudly when Basil thrust his hand out to cover her mouth. She was at first confused, and almost hurt, until she remembered just where she was, and just who was downstairs waiting for the two of them (What? Don't you think your father would be proud if he found out that you shagged the most brilliant private eye in all of Mousedom? Right above his head? On your 18^th birthday?). In hopes of keeping her lips occupied she leaned forward kissing Basil passionately as she continued her rhythm. Basil was all but killing himself trying to keep steady, wanting Olivia to set the pace for her first time, but finding it to be increasingly difficult with every slide of her body, and every electrified kiss. It came as little surprise to Basil as her movements began to become erratic and her kisses less frequent, as her whimpers and moans began to escalate a bit. She was close to completion, and Basil doubted that it would have come this soon had she ever experimented. As he figured, looking up into her face he could see her brow furrowing as her movements began to slow.

"Relax Olivia," Basil whispered, hoping to ease the girls mind, but finding that his soothing words were not going to be enough. Sliding his hand from her hip, he gently slid his thumb along her wet lips, before sliding it upwards to the small nub, that as he ran his thumb over it, he almost regretted it. Though he thoroughly enjoyed the way she bucked her hips and mewled loudly, he could only imagine what the others had thought of that sound, as he knew it was too loud not to be heard (Don't worry! They're all busy having a threesome downstairs, don't you worry your extraordinary little brain about it, you sick perv!). He figured he could come up with an explanation if the problem arise as he repeated his actions quickly, letting her thrust wildly upon him (Umm, it's not what it looks like! We're just playing Twister!... Without the mat! I promise!). His own breathing began to become labored as her sounds were driving him positively wild, and her quick hip movements were doing quick work of him.

Thankfully her release came quickly and she threw her head back in a near silent cry as he felt her already tight passage, tighten further around him, causing him to hiss under his breath in hopes of keeping himself sane. As her body all but crumbled into his own, he smiled, as he felt her breathing begin to return to normal slightly after a moment, and she leaned up to kiss his lips.

"Basil… that was amazing…" she panted, resting her head on his shoulder, as she tried to compose herself a bit. As he tried to lift her a bit to remove herself, she resisted, moving back from him a bit to look down at him. "Basil you… you haven't…" not being able to find the words she merely blushed, and looked down. He smiled and couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped at how even after that she could seem so innocent and endearing. (”And secondly, my dear, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO TOUCH YOU TO MAKE YOU SQUIRM LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING WORM IMPALED ON A CHEESEDOODLE! You horny little rapist!”)

"My dear it is not my birthday." He smiled, as he spoke the words, placing a kiss on her cheek. But this apparently did not suffice as with shaky limbs, she began to move once again, causing Basil to slip up releasing a moan of his own. Which seemed to only spur her on more, her movements speeding up, as his hands one again placed themselves at her hips, tightening a bit.

 (Ffs, she just never know when to quit, does she?

By the way, I think I'm gonna keep some of these Ratigan faces... I've got a feeling they might come in handy in future stories)

"Are you two all right in there?" Came a familiar voice from outside the door causing both parties to stiffen and instantly panic. (BUSTED! Oh, and I think Basil already ”stiffened” BEFORE Ms. Judson came to cockblock. If not however, then I think I'll need another drink...) It was Basil who spoke, hoping that his mind would not fail to find some excuse.

"Quite all right Ms. Judson, I am merely helping Olivia tie up her dress." He almost cursed himself, doubting it would be proper for him to be tieing up her dress, instead of the woman of the house Ms. Judson. (Seems legit)

"Would you like some help Mr. Basil?" As Basil went to open his mouth to speak he had to quickly shut it before moaning as Olivia had chosen that moment to continue her movements. He shot a glare at her, but his look was only returned with a seemingly innocent smile of her own. Though his hands tried to stop her enticing motions, she only continued, making it nearly impossible for him to speak smoothly. (Oh you tricky little sodomizing fascist pig! You WANT him to get busted, dont'cha?)

"No, Ms. Judson, I am quite capable. Th-Thank you!" He barely heard Ms. Judson's reply as she then walked away from the door, as he looked back at Olivia, his fingers tightening on her hips. He would have scolded her for her actions if his mind wasn't too lost in the thoughts of his own pleasure as Olivia slid along his member.

"Basil, please… I want you to…" Again she could not bring herself to finish the sentence but Basil knew of what she spoke, and could only shake his head in response. It was not a matter of whether he wanted to or not, because he desperately wanted to, but it would not be right, not even in the slightest. As his pleasure was beginning to peak he attempted to pull Olivia off of him, but to no avail, she was relentless. She never once ceased her movements, which only caused Basil more trouble. 

 (”It would not be right, not even in the slightest?” Bitch, you let yourself get violated by a 20 years younger tramp right above her unsuspecting father and your colleague on her 18^th birthday, you just lied to Ms. Judson and you refuse to blow the cork because ”It would not be right, not even in the slightest?”... 

 

FUCK. YOU.)

"Olvia, I can not…" his words were cut off as she once again slid down his member, fully seating herself upon him.

"Please Basil, I want to, with you. Just this once…" she panted, as she leaned her body against his, her breasts pressing up against his chest once more.

"Olivia…" he began to protest, only to be silence by a plea from her. One that until previously he had thought he wouldn't hear from her.

"Please cum for me Basil…" and that was it, he could no longer resist. A small part of him knew it was so very wrong, knew that it could get the two of them in very big trouble, but her movements, her please, her words, had driven him mad.

 (Sorry, but that's what I'm imagining him to look like at the moment, so I'm afraid you'll just have to do it too...)

He none too hastily rolled his body, pinning Olivia's body beneath his own on the bed, and quickly hooking a thumb behind her knees. Olivia looked up at him surprised, and completely drowning in her lust. As he brought her legs up, having them rest across his shoulders, he took no mercy on the young woman below him. Thrusting into her recklessly as both of their pleasure climbed exponentially. She gripped the blankets beside her, her nails digging into them, and even causing a small tear, that neither of them seemed to mind at the moment (Well during an act of cunnilungus, it WOULD be natural for one to ignore the fact that they're ripping the blankets. Some also seems to ignore that there could also be other people nearby who tries to sleep). He leaned closer to her, catching her own lips with his as he began to feel the last of his resolve crumble, just as her legs were beginning to shake on his shoulders. As he felt her walls tighten around him, he could no longer hold himself back and felt himself fall over the edge of orgasm as her own overtook her as well, their cries muffled and mingling together between their lips.

As the last of his orgasm began to ebb away he pulled out from her, and lay on his back beside her, noticing how almost immediately she came to curl herself around him, her head resting on his shoulder. The two lay there content, and incredibly tired for a moment, before Olivia finally found the breath to speak. (”You are SOO gonna pay child-support to me now, buster!”)

"Basil… I… I…" Olivia stammered, knowing what it was she wanted to say, but not quite having the courage to actually speak it out right. With almost a sad sigh, she spoke again, "Thank you." Basil knew what it was that she wanted to say, and was almost a bit hurt by her sudden change of statements. He figured that she should know his own feelings for her, but figure he would let her express it on her own time, and instead tilted her head up a bit to kiss her lips.

"We best get you downstairs before everyone wonders what may have happened to us…" Basil smiles, as feels Olivia nod against his chest. As they both as quickly as they can don their attire, Olivia place one last kiss against Basil's lips, hoping that it would not be their last, as they both exited the room. (Me, on the other hand...)

As they entered the main room, Hiram was the first to approach, hugging his daughter and carrying her away towards the lovely cake Ms. Judson had made. Dawson leaving Olivia to her father, cast a curious glance towards Basil, before quickly looking away with a blush. Basil, quite curious as to why he would get such a strange reaction from his companion headed over towards him.  

(Maybe you two were louder than you thought? Fucking pervs...)

"Dawson? What's the matter old chap?" Dawson merely made a motion towards his neck, and as Basil reached up towards his own, he to his horror, noticed that he had forgotten his tie…

(GOD DAMN IT, SHERLOCK!)

THE END Hur hur :p This turned out much longer than I had intended… Oh well.. Enjoy ;p

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Enjoy?...

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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA