I swear to God...

I swear to God and everything holy, if this isn't fake, I'm gonna start running and never stop screaming.

Seriously, if you notice that your kid has an imaginary friend that looks like Lisa, do your kid a favor and fucking shoot it and perform an exorcism over it's decaying body!

Seriously though, FUCKING DO IT!

I'm seriously getting the shivers from this shit, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

PLEASE TELL ME IT'S FAKE! 

Oh for the love of Cheesus FUCKING WHAT?!

Imaginary friends are awesome, I actually had a few ones back in the days before I got some real ones, but this?! WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. LIFE. ANYMORE?!

Happy Birthday to me...

The one thing I hate about turning old: turning old...

Seriously, I'm 19 years old, I'm starting to look like Tutankhamun (including the beard)! 

Okay, that's was perhaps a little bit over the top, but STILL! I don't wanna grow up, and I've never wanted to! I seriously can't understand kids nowadays, they really wanna grow up as fast as possible and some ten year old's thinks they're adults already, wearing make-up and shizz! Trust me; when you stand there with no money and only electric bills to eat, you'll regret not having a childhood.

Although I DID have a childhood, and it was epic! That is, until I discovered the internet, now my happy childhood memories have been shattered by rule 34... 

Seriously though, after 19 years on this God-forsaken planet I've grown tired of pretty much everything, especially the humans who inhabits it. Or at least most of the humans, I know several Earthlings who're epic as Hell, and whom I'm proud to call "my friends". 

Anyway, another birthday passed, thankfully without any animals dying on me! Last birthday my cat and best friend since elementary school got a stroke during the party so I had to spend my entire day at the vet with a screaming cat, only to have him put down. I'll confess one thing: that was the first time I've ever cried in public...

But at least something was accomplished that day: I managed to get the veterinarian to absolutely HATE his job! :D

RIP Persson, the absolutely best friend anyone could ever have <3

And now instead I have to put up with this little asshole (and his brain damaged sister):

Svullo and his sisters, Riggan and Sickan. got abandoned by their mom (Slutterella McWhorington), so now Sickan and Svullo think I'm their mammy... And I realize now more than ever  that perhaps I'm not so fit as a mother, because these are the most spoiled kittens in the world (not even kidding)! They can do whatever they want! Except for stealing my food and chase the guinea pigs, cuz then I  turn into Momzilla...

Anyway, I'll probably spend this day after my birthday by snoozing away in school, as usual!

Worthless blog posts ftw!

Storytime: Wedding Night

Okay, I haven't updated with a new Storytime for like, ages now... But I hope this little verbal disorder might make up for it somehow!

I was thinking, why not a Beauty and the Beast fanfic? I really love that story, which is really weird since I loathe most love stories, but there's just something about this tale that really catches me!

And here comes a fic from the Disney movie, and I can safely say this is one of the most retarded things I've read in a while. You'll soon see why!

It's two megashort chapters, and I was thinking maybe I should run them, because they're just basically a little piss in the ocean both of them... 

I think I'll skip the author's ANs, since they're pretty much useless...

Oh dear shizznits, bring out the booze and let's get kicking!

Wedding Night by Catherine Chen

 

--

She bit her lip nervously. She wasn't sure that she could do this. She wiped her uncharacteristically wet palms on her wrap. "Breathe, Belle. It's only...Adam." And that was the problem. As she said the words, her heart had instantly conjured the name "Beast". Yet her mind had told her firmly that was not his real name. Try as she might, even after the wedding that morning, she still thought of him as her Beast.

(To be honest, I prefer the Beast when he's, well, a beast! Seriously, just look at him like a human:

HE LOOKS LIKE A GODAMN PSYCOPATIC AXE-KILLER

RUN BELLE! RUN BEFORE HE RAPES YOU WITH A RAKE AND LEAVE YOU TO DIE BEHIND A JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT!)

She hoped he would like the dress she had chosen. Green silk, with a slit up to her hip and a deep V-neckline, it was much more daring than anything she had worn for him before. Tonight she didn't want to be sweet, innocent, little Belle. Tonight she would be Cleopatra. She would be Helen of Troy. She would take the initiative and seduce Adam. She shivered at her thoughts, but then lifted her chin defiantly. She was determined not to disappoint him. By the end of the night he would be at her feet.

(In this fic, Belle constantly shift between being a self-confident S&M slut, or the underdog...

Kinda like this:

 

--

He had noticed Belle's reluctance to use his name. Adam. How hard was that to remember? As he prepared for his wedding night two thoughts stood out in his mind. He would give her the night of her life, making the fantasies in her books a reality. And by the end of the night, she would be happy to use his name...

(Also, the Beast, or Adam, gives me a hunch that he's just a motherfucking possessive bastard...

But then again, if you think back at how he got that curse you'd see that it actually would make sense...)

--

There was a light knock at the door. "May I come in?" she asked.

"Of course, Belle."

She opened the door connecting their rooms and his jaw dropped. "You look incredible. That dress...your hair. So...sexy."

 ("Daym gurl, yo smeel liek zexii"

Oh god, I just had to...)

She blushed. "Adam," she whined slightly convinced he was lying, flattering her. She began to twist her skirt, fidgeting with it in an effort to distract herself from her nervousness.

(Weren't you the one who was gonna be in charge, bech?)

"Belle." His voice was deeper than before and she realized her movements had revealed the slit to him and thus her shapely legs.

(Beast see, Beast like)

Seeing the desire in his eyes gave her the courage to hold his gaze as she smoothed her hands over her body. His eyes followed the movement of her hands and she saw him swallow hard. "Do you really like it?" she purred. She felt a little ridiculous speaking like that but he didn't seem to notice.

"I'd like it more if you would come here," he replied with such heat in his eyes that she shivered.

"Of course, darling." She moved over to stand beside him next to the bed.

"Adam," he corrected gently.

"Adam," she repeated.

He dipped his head and kissed her lightly. He began to plant mind-numbing kisses along the length of her neck. "Do you like this, Belle?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Adam."

(How about some fitting soundtrack?!)

 

He kissed her lips again, this time slowly and leisurely as though he had all the time in the world to explore her mouth. "And that, Belle? Do you like that?"

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Adam."

 (FOR FUCK SAKE, IT'S A NAME WITH FOUR LETTERS! HOW THE FUCK CAN  YOU NOW REMEMBER FOUR GODDAMN LETTERS?!)

He gently scooper her up into his arms and laid her gently on the bed, lying down beside her. Suddenly she pushed him back so he was flat on his back and she was spread out on top of him. She kissed him before he could say anything then leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"Tonight I want to give you pleasure. Teach me. Tell me what you like." Her beautiful brown eyes had darkened and he dearly wanted to do as she commanded.

(AND back to the dominate bitch!)

However he simply wrapped his arms around her and twisted to the side so that he was on top of her. "No, Belle. Tonight will be all about your pleasure. I am determined to make all of your fantasies come true. He untied the belt of his robe and shrugged it off, tossing it across the room haphazardly.

Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of him. His muscles were well-defined. His chest was mainly bare except for a line of hair that tapered down to..."Oh my," she breathed. She blushed furiously but her curiosity would not allow her to look away.

"Do you like what you see, Belle?"

"Yes," she responded a little breathlessly.

 (Anyone remember the Vienna sausages, btw?)

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Adam."

"Sweetheart," she corrected herself at the look in his eyes, "Adam, I know I'm having trouble adjusting but I just need time..."

He covered her lips with his, cutting off her words and pushing her back against the pillows. He drew his hand down her body, cupping her breast. She moaned softly. He pulled back. "Tonight, if you want me to continue, you must tell me. I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You must tell me you enjoy what I'm doing and you want me to keep doing it. And," his teeth flashing in a grin, "call me Adam".

(Say my name bitch!

...

Or not... Whatever...) 

"I..." she trailed off unsure of how to respond. His next action made her gasp. "Adam!"

"Yes, darling?" he queried politely as he flicked his tongue against one delectable bud.

"Please," she pleaded.

He merely raised an eyebrow in question.

"Adam, I need..."

(French Fries? Wine?)

"Yes?" he prompted, laving the other nub with his tongue.

An ache started between her legs. She needed something. She gripped one of his large hands. "Please, Adam."

He tormented her with his hands and mouth as she whimpered his name. "I think you're ready..."

She felt overwhelmed and barely heard his words, deep in the throes of passion. "Adam?"

He gently settled over her, slowly easing inside of her, murmuring gentle words of praise and encouragement to soothe her.

She gasped. "Adam. It...it hurts."

(Prepare for a sex-scene that will put the wedding night of Frollo and Esmeralda to shame!)

He kissed her gently. "I know, Belle. Just relax. Breathe. Let your body adjust to me. It'll be better soon. I promise."

Her eyes watered a bit. "Alright, Adam. I...I trust you."

Soon the pain eased. She shifted a bit trying to get more comfortable, stunned at the frisson of pleasure that went through her.

(Oh the details are amazing...)

Above her Adam's eyes darkened. "Belle?"

"Adam. I...I want you to...," she blushed again, unsure of how to phrase her desires.

He shifted his hips. "This?"

 (What this?)

"Yes," she hissed as pleasure pooled where they were joined and spread throughout her body. "Adam...please...more."

"As you wish, Belle," he murmured lovingly and slightly amused.

He continued his thrusts, slowly increasing his pace until he was panting and she was crying out his name with each thrust. Suddenly she felt as though she had exploded, the sensation sending her whirling towards heights of ecstasy such as she'd never dreamed of. She screamed his name as she came, dimly aware of him following suit moments later.

"I love you, Adam."

"I know you do, Belle. I love you, too."

("I love you"

"I know you do"

I FUCKING LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!) 

She twisted over to look into his eyes. "I don't think I'll have any problem calling you Adam anymore."

(FINALLY!

Does this mean it's over?!)

"I'm happy to hear it, darling," he murmured smiling. His hand began to slide down her back. "You know, I seem to be having trouble saying your name, darling," he said grinning mischievously.

"Well," she said, settling over him. "We'll just have to do something to correct that, won't we?" smiling against his neck as she proceeded to return his favor.

Oh fuck this...

Seriously though, a word of advice:

I you're going to write an erotic fanfiction, MAKE IT EROTIC! 

ESC = Eurovision Shit Contest

So, every European is probably by now painfully aware of the upcoming annual ESC event, and I was thinking that I should rant a bit about it because I fucking love ranting.

Perhaps I should begin with showing my contempt for Swedens contribution to the poor excuse of a contest.

Everyone wanted to send this guy:

Yohio. And I admit, this guy would've been EPIC to send! Seriously, I bet Europe NEVER would forget this guy! Visual Key maybe isn't my thing, but I gotta admit: Yohio really fucking pulls it off awesomely!

But thanks to the retarded Europe-judges we're sending this fucking asshat:

I bet those cuntburgers voted for the worst song in the bunch because they were butthurt that we won (deal with it).

THIS IS AWFUL! LISTEN TO IT! IT MAKES MY BRAIN WANNA CRAWL OUT THROUGH MY EAR AND RUN AWAY!

And who'd remember this song in the future? No one. NO FUCKING ONE! I hate this song with such burning passion, and I'm REALLY butthurt that the motherfucking Europe-judges got to decide which song we should send! Yohio would've won with a rockslide if it weren't for those shitboots, but NOO! Let's send the worst fucker of them all! FUCK!

And I'm not the only one shitting bricks: every Helylle-Svenne in Sweden is right now gathering their fury and aims it like a goddamn solar beam against ESC, EVERYONE is pissed that we didn't get to choose and thus, the wrong song won!

But guess which song I wanted to send to the big thing?

The one, the only; the Banan:

THIS GUY! SEAN THE BANAN!

I mean, since we won the entire thing last time (with a freakishly AWFUL song btw), why not make complete ASSES out of ourselves and send Sean Banan?! It would be the PERFECT opportunity to embarrass ourselves for real!! I wanted us to punish Europe for letting us win, MAKE EUROPE SUFFER FOR IT'S MISTAKE!!

SEAN BANAN 4 LYF!

COPA COPACABANANA COPACABANANA COPACABANANA HELL FUCKING YES!!

But NOOO, we just HAD to send Robin! Now everything will be embarrassing but for the wrong reason! The bad kind of embarrassement...

And maybe my opinions on the voting?

Everyone is "buddy-voting"... Neighbors votes on neighbors. 

STAHP!

VOTE ON THE SONGS INSTEAD, BALKAN!! DON'T VOTE ON THE COUNTRIES!

Meh, who am I kidding... I bet most people who watches ESC are suck ups by nature >_>... 

Oh and a last thing, Sweden won last time, so this time ESC will take place in Sweden naturally. And guess where?

Malmö.

In Skåne.

MOTHERFUCKING SKÅNE!

EVERYONE HATES SKÅNE!

SKÅNE IS A PIECE OF SHIT, DANGLING AT THE TIP OF OUR DICK-SHAPED COUNTRY LIKE SOME PERSISTENT DROP OF CUM WHO JUST WONT LEAVE!!

And trust me: Skåne hates everyone back! Skåne loathes everyone so much it wants to be an entirely independent country. HAH! Good riddance!

The only thing Skåne has even contributed with is Spettekaka.

Spettekaka looks like this:

 And even if it looks like a delicious cake (made from spit, LULZ), it's not edible: it's a rockhard pastry made from tomte excrement and trollhair and tastes like nightmares.

Spettekaka and homes for immigrants.

Nothing against immigrants, I just think that maybe we should take care of the ones we got FIRST, before taking in new ones, 'kay?

Anyway, back to ESC in Skåne:

Fuck Skåne.

GRÄV BORT SKÅNE!

You know where I think we should host ESC? Stockholm. In Globen.

No wait, Stockholm is also a piece of shit!

However, Gothenburg! GOTHENBURG IS THE SHIT!

GÖÖÖTEEEBOOOORG 4 LYF!

A short complaint about the weather

I know, I didn't upload anything last week. Including a Storytime, trust me I DO feel bad about it, but I just didn't have the time, ok?

Anyway, I've got NOTHING to write about, OR a story to run, so I think I'll do what most people do: complain about the weather.

Wanna know the seasons in Sweden? Well, tough luck for here they comes:

Autumn: cold, rainy, windy, slippery as fuck

Winter: FUCKING FREEZING COLDNESS OF DEATH! No snow, but plenty of rain

Spring: COLD AND MOTHERFUCKING SNOW EVERYWHERE!

Summer: MOTHERFUCKING GLORIOUS WARMTH! HOT LIKE ARIZONA! Except for the days when you're off school, cuz then it rains!

Englishmen, you keep complaining about your country. You say it rains 365 days a year.

Well, you know what?! SHUT YOUR TEA SIPPING MOUTHS AND GRAB A JAMMIE DODGER! At least you blue box obsessed freaks have an EVEN climate! In Sweden, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FURIOUS MOTHER NORTH MIGHT THROW IN YOUR FACE!!

One week might be sunny and warm and just perfect, next week: MOTHERFUCKING SNOWSTORM IN YOUR FACE, BITCH!

And I get so PISSED when you lazy, spoiled Americans get "snow days"! Just because you get a little snow, suddenly you're free for a day.

OVER HERE WE WON'T BE FREE FROM SCHOOL IF IT SO WERE SNOW LIKE THIS:

NO! You know what we do when we get snowed in?

Put on our viking helmets, braids our beards and digs our way out! WITH OUR TEETH!!

After we've complained about it on Facebook of course.