Storytime: Severus Snape, Professor and Lover

So, let's try this again, shall we?

 First of all, I actually have NO idea why I'm doing this. Either I gotta be the most bored out human being on earth, or just braindead.

So, the story I've picked for this maiden voyage is called "Severus Snape, Professor and Lover", Written by none other than the evil overlord of fanfiction himself: ComicsNix, whose evil and demented mind is only outdone by Abraxas.

I know this isn't the most original idea, running a fucked up fanfiction only to write witty comments in it. But being so inspired by Rob and his FFF over at Toplessrobot makes me wanna try this out myself. And my soul is already dead as it is so I probably won't be suffering as much as Rob does... Hopefully...

(Meh, who am I kidding? It's not like anyone will read this anyway)

I hope you've packed alot of alchohol and eye-bleach, because this will be one hell of a journey! Oh, and don't forget a bucket! You will soon find out why you'll need it...

Let's just get this over with so I can start the drinking, eh?

The Author – Hi people, I don't own Harry Potter and Telletubbies, but I think J. K. Rwling must think about doing a crossover. It would be very cool! (Well, the landscape in Teletubbies DOES remind me of when we were in England... Green, round hills that looks like bewbs y'know...)

Severus Snape, Professor and Lover (Just reading the title makes me wanna drill my eyes out with a spoon)

Severus Snape was very sad (SURPRISE). He was not having many pleasures doing lectues and teaching stuents anymore (Did he ever?). All those adventures happening at Hogwarts sucked the inner life from his bones...and he had nothing more to accomplish. He went to Dumbledor:

"Heaadmastet, I want to be expelled, I don't have what it takes to teach anymoire." (Dumbledore sighed. ”I've told you so many times, Snivellus! You CAN'T get expelled! You're a TEACHER! Not a student!”)

Dumbledore was puzzled:

"But Snepa, you are my best professor, you can't go and waste the knowlegde you have!"

"Oh Dumbledore...I'm so sad." said Snape putting the back of his hand on his forehead. (Oh the drama)

Dumbledor, the powerful and wiseful magus he wwas thought a solution:

"Okay Snape, I'll transfer you to another place, somewhere calm where you will help good creatures that have n o parents." (Here we go, bros! Fasten your seatbelts and hold on to your hats, for this will be a bumpy ride!)

Snape got greatful thatDumblerdo understood his feelings and pushed him to place less onerous to his advancing age. (Doesn't make any sense, you say? Ahaha, haha, HAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Snape took a train and after days, finally reached an colorful and wonderful place. It was the Tubbydome Supertronic (Don't you mean Telepolis? Or am I mixing it up with Detroit?), the place of dwee]lling of his new students. He reached there, and a periscophe welcomed him (Oh God, the periscophe! I think I'll call her GlaDOS!):

"Profwssor Snape, you arrived!!!!!!! The students waits you in the classroom."

Snape was still sad, but his powerful stomach got chills (… "His powerful stomach got chills"... Sometimes you have to repeat a sentence to really understand the stupidity of it!), because the mystery of novelty aproacches his comfort zone.

When Snape entered the classroom, four color creatues were there seatting on the chairs (Actually, creatures is probably the best way to describe the Teletubbies). They said to Snape:

"Eh-Oh!" (They're donkeys?) and Snape smilled, feeling his heart get full of ingnominous passion (One of the reasons I love ComicsNix: the similes... They are so bad it hurts, but it hurts in a good way!).

"Alright dear students, today, you will learn potion making." (Mandatory subject for every Teletubbie!)

"No, we want to learn how to be adult!" (Keep your buckets close, mates!) cried the four Teletubbies. They had live for many long inside that perfect bubble, only experimenting the baby joys of youth (They aren't missing anything, trust me. I am an adult... Or something). But every day was equal to them, not really happened at their house and life was boring.

When Snape arrive, a flash of hope filled their hearts with the promisse of life beyond the perfect prison they got trapped whne they got born. Only that dark robbed and pale skinned man can save the babies from this terrible fate.

 

 "But kids," said Seevrus "I must acomplish the curriculum!" (… Accomplish the curriculum?

)

"Oh professor, I'm dying from inside, don't let the evil periscophe suck the last remnants of humanity locked in my so fatal brokened heart" saaid the yellow Teletubbie, Laa-Laa, with a sensive voice, calling for a strong man to free her mind...her body. (Wow, who knew that Laa-Laa was so deep?)

Snape looked her, and felt somethnig funny inside his pelvis (No). It was a long time since the last time he shared a intimacy filled momnet with a woman (Nononnonono!). Snape was starting to break:

"But Teletubbies...if the periscophe woman watches us...how can we have privacy?" (Thank God for GLaDOS!)

The purple leader, Tinky Winky, got up and uttered with his powerful throat: (IMAGINE TINKY WINKY WITH SAMUEL L. JACKSONS VOICE!... DO IT!)

"I have a secret place professor. We can learn there and free ouselves from the bounds of madness that others inflicted upon us!" (The only one inflicting ”bounds of madness” here is ComicsNix...) said him hitting his chest with a clench hands. (Since when did TW become a freedom fighter? Or Tarzan?)

Snpae looked down, thought, and followed the purple leader. (IT'S A TRAP!) They opened a secret door inside their house, a door leading to the basement. (Above the entrance to the basement there were written with sloppy letters in white spraypaint: Free Candy!)

The place was full of rats and cockroaches. Water infiltrated the place and mold smell was present in dangerous quantities. A lot of earth and dirty was covering the place, and a hole in the wall could be seen. (ComicsNix is sooo amazing at describing the surroundings! It almost makes you feel as if you were there!)

"You are making a hole?"

"Yes Snape," said Tinky Winky, "we must escape, so we are creating a exit route to get out of the evil crunchs of the woman periscophe." (Sorry, but there's no escaping GLaDOS)

"Oh, I must help you Teletubbies."

"Prodfessor" said Laa-Laa, "first, teach us how to adult!"

Snape nooded in agreement. He, wth his wondrous magic wand created a giant bed, and some wine and cheese to acompany this iluustrious wisdom moment. (Alright, everyone got their buckets present?)

"Teletubbies, lay her with me, I'll teach you how to be a man. (FUCK! WHERE'S MY BUCKET??) Oh, but you Poo, aren't ready yet. You are too young baby. Stay here in the corner and play with you small hose. (Po playing with his ”small hose”... Good luck getting that image out of your head!)" and Poo got sad, but neverthless, he did what Snpe said and watched the others while they got teached. (”Teached”, apparently now another word for MOLESTED!)

"So" said Snap, "Laa-Laa, you make a pair with me. Tinky-Winky, you go with Dipsy (Oh. My. God.). Watch me while I play with Laa-Laa and mimic my movements. This way you will learn." (OH MY GOD! IT HAS BEGUN!)

Snape them got on his kness and looked at the layied Laa-Laa. She was sweatting a bit. (Me too, sistah. Me too... Out of FEAR!)

"Don't be afraid small yellow girl, just spread your legs." (Snape just said that to the yellow Teletubbie... Wrap your brain around it, while it still works...) and she did. An engorged vagina shine at her crotch (It's shiny??), but it was full of cotton yellow pubic hair (Shiny AND hairy?!). Snape picked up a scissor and cut it. (Just use the fucking lawnmower, you twit!)

"Snape" said Dipsy "Tinky Winky have no crotch mouth, but a very strange tongue. It's filled with purple wrinkled skin!" (And you've got one exactly the same! Double-twit!)

"Oh Dispy, he don't have crotch mouth. But behind him, you will find a pork's eye (… A what?). Don't be afraid, it's dirty, but after a while you will like the fine flavor of melted chocolate covering your lips." (God help us all...)

Dipsy turned Tinky Winky, and the purple Telletubbie revealed his deep purple anal hole.

"What I do?" asked Dipsy. (First, you turn around 180 degrees. Then you start screaming and runs out of this hellhole as fast as you can)

"The same I will do with Laa-Laa, don't be afriad. Tinky Winky will scream and moan, but you must go on. " said Snape with a calm and softfull deep voice. (Imagine Alan Rickman saying it in the ”turn-to-page-394” voice! Hey, if I have to do it, SO DO YOU!)

"Oh professor" said Laa-Laa with a moaning lustful voise, "I think I peed myself. I'm feeling moist." (I wanted to pee myself by the end of this story...)

"No Laa-Laa, you not pee. You only are happy that I'm here."

"Seriously?" (My thoughts exactly!)

"Yes. Now...suck my index finger" and she did.

And Snape unclothed himself. His pale shiny penis appeared and all of the Teletubbies got impressed. His nut sack was very white and hairy and exhalled a snake oil parfum essence (I wonder what snake oil smells like? Wait! No! Wtf am I doing?). Laa-Laa felt a jolt of pleusre down her antenna. 

"Now boys, do as I do" and them, Snape introducted his wizard wondrous penis (LOL!) inside Laa-Laa. She screamed:

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" and a flush of yellow blood (She's an insect?) got expelled from her now broken hymen. The yeloow blood covered Snake, and he rubbed himself with that sticky liquid. (… Yes. That just happened...)

"Prodessor" moaned loudly Laa-Laa, "isn't this wrong? I'm feeling so dirty." (Yes! It IS wrong! And you BOTH will burn in hell for this!)

"No Laa-Laa, don't be ashamed. When you bit the forbidden fruit, the knowlegde will fullfil you inner most desires. Be my Eve!!!"

 and Snape punch her uterus with his roquefort penis (Am I the only one who start thinking about the mouse in Aristocats? Isn't his name Roquefort?... Oh God, just let this madness end already!). The Teletubbie girl moans more and smilles her face.

Dipsy do the same on Tinky Wonky, puncturing the purple asshole with the green penis he is so proud of (Except that he didn't even know what it was a few seconds ago...)

 . Tinky Winky screams:

"AAAAHHHH! You hurts me my dear friend!!! Stop, I cannot withstand your protuberant obelisk of delectation!” (Oh the similes! THEY BURNS!)

"I can't" said Dipsy with a condensending voice "professor said I must go on with our journey throughout the steps towards a greater understanding about our true nature as alienated species from our parenthood." 

"Tinky Winky was suffering the destiny of those under the yoke of their own expectations. But Snape was wise and appealed:

"Dipsy, use your bodly fluids to appease the sorrow of your roost companion." (I've read this story two times before, but I'm still not processing what it is that's actually happening...)

Dipsy them spit on his hand an immense gob of putrid mucus. It was green as his body and full of dancing crawlers that were enjoying the hot abode that was his nostrils (ComicsNix has the talent to describe things in a way that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger cry...). Dipsy covered his fluffy hard penis (ARGH! IT'S FLUFFY!) with it and penetrated Tinky Winky again. This time, the purple one enjoyied.

"Ooohhohoohohhhhoohhhhh....." (EEUUUUPHOOOOORIAAAAAA!... Sorry, I just had to...)

Snape was funcking hard Laa-Laa. A lot of yellow blood continued to get ot her defilled vaginal daisy. The pain hurted her much (Great. My bucket is filled to the brim, now... ANOTHER!):

"Profezro, It aches my skin and negates the maturation you unleash inside my sacred womb." (… Did he/she/it mean his man-juice? When a male ejaculates, he doesn't do it directly into the womb. Silly virgin!)

"Be calm my yelloew student. After a while, no pain can touch you. Wait the massage of gods." 

 and she did. After a while, the orgasms started, and she had multiple ones. Her chest grew a pair of xanthous brests, and they lactated the nectar of the houses of holy. 

But she wasn't in her mature years yet (So Snape just molested a child? Lovely.), and her bowel controls were rudimentary (ComicsNix). The orgasms unleashed a cataract of pappy hot shit thru her untouched lutelous anus (Wat r u doin?). The slop of dung covered the bed and the smell was atroucious (ComicsNix). The flow was so intense, globs of shit splashed at Snape's legs and hit his pale and sweet face. (Stahp!)

"Ohhhhhh Laa-Laa" (Hahaha, Oh-la-la... *sob*) said Snape "finally, the cocoa honey bestow us with this feast of gormandized gut's contents!!!!!!!" (Page 394) and Snape rubbed his face with the black fetid hodge-podge (… Hodge-podge...) ooze Laa-Laa vomited with her anus (She vomited with her anus... I don't know if I'm crying or laughing right now!). It so was hot and disgusting that Snape vomited a mash of orange juice, bloody spaghetti and mama's chilli pepper over her lustful body (That's nothing compared with what I just hurled up!). It reached Laa-Laa vagina and burned it and splashed all over her tummy. She rubbed the vomit all over her belly and breasts and swallowed a good portion of it. (But I left that part out though...)

Laa-Laa is happy, she reached a new stage of illumination and now can let go her shame of being the mistress of a snake old man. (… All my AAAUWRGH!)

Dipsy took a portion of that hot boiling dung and deposited it inside Tinky-Winky's anus. Now, the penetration is complete. (OFCOURSE! A penetration isn't complete without dumbing a load of scat into your fuckbuddys ass!) They are enjoying the most complete recollection of human's past lives as beings dipping inside their own bodly properties.

"Snape" said Laa-Laa, "can I penetrate you too?" (Do it with a cactus)

Snape got pensive. He never thought about something so insulting to his manhood (Obviously, Snape has never heard about bronies), but the pleasure was so insane, he nooded with a moan:

"Yeeeeesssssss" and Laa-Laa prepared her finger full of vomit and macaroni strings. She moved slowly her index finger and prepared to penetrated it...and she did!!!! The finger entered Snape left nostril and started to fuck it. She was fast and didn't want to lose time. (What? Where else could she possibly shove up her pastabarf-covered finger?)

As Laa-Laa fucked Snape's nose (”Laa-Laa fucked Snapes nose”, I love that sentence), the vomit in her nails entered it and he breathed it. He gaged and coughed the bloody puke and it hit Laa-Laa's eyes, but she laughed. (Laa-Laa is a fucking psycho! But, that's not exactly news now, is it?)

Laa-Laa them put her other index finger inside the other Snape nostril (DOUBLE PENETRATION MOTHERFUCKER!), and he felt the pleasure more intense. Laa-Laa's tits lactated like no other in the world, like a fountain of milk and passionate dung (DaYUM! Gurl ya WAILD BITCH!!). The milk and shit shower was so intense it reached Poo, that was at a corner masturbating to the whole scene (Just like ComicsNix). He drink the shitty covered milk and peed himself in pleasure. Even a small Telletubie have the right to fell the magnificent joy of the motherly nourishment coming from his sister's breasts. (That's kinda true, I guess...)

Now, Snape is ready to cum. He grabs his penis and fell the throobing coming...and them...the cum-tastic delight goes out of his powerful snake hose and fills Laa-Laa's small vagina with a gorgeous and thunderstriking goo that overflows her and wash the last pureness that yellow and sexy body had one day. (… Cumtastic?)

She cums too, and now, she is a complete fl, a yelow and tasty alien woman girl with nice and softly cotton breasts. Her Telletubbie body got gorugeously tasty an even her brothers think she is delicious now that she have breasts. 

 (I think I'll overuse this guy... He'll be like my Toht)

Dipsy cums inside Tinky Winky too, and the two cotton alien boys now discover what it takes to make a real action hero. (Captain America, are you taking notes here?)

"Boys" said Snape "you have graduated (From the Dafuq-did-I-just-read-Academy). You now are full fledged mature and responsible adults. You can take care of your own butts and do with it all you deserve." 

Poo was a little sad, but she know her time will come. (Wait a minute! Her? HER?? PO WAS A HER ALL THIS TIME?! WITH A DICK?!”... Oh ComicsNix, you silly thing)

"Snape" said Tinky Winky rubbing his cum covered and hurting ass "We must escape, the perischope woman is already searching for us, because we haven't returned to sleep." (I don't think that's why she's mad at you...)

"Okay Tinky-Winky, you lead the way" and the Telletubbies and Snape followeed Tinky-Winky's down the hole they excavated. The cave was very dark and long, but Snape used his wand to iluminate the way. (Guess which wand he uses...)

As they walked, down the cave, a light at the end of the tunnel was near, and they raced towards it. But someone was expecting them. A figure was facing the cave, with his back turned against the light out of the tunnel.

"You shall not pass." said the voice (Gandalf?)

"Who are you?" askjed Snape

"I'm very disappointed with you Snape. I thought you had a rocky shadow heart. But it seems I'm wrong. It was a mistake sending you here to placate these little rainbow bastards. A mistake I'm going to correct." (Gandalf.)

"Wait, I know that voice...it's---" and them, the figure emerges from the light, create a flowing flame around him, and his face is revealed. It's Dumbledore!!!!! (Close 'nuff...)

"No! You!" shouted Snpae.

"Yes, me!"

(Why us?!)

"Why do you want with the Telletubbies?"

"Oh, you don't know? They are Death Eaters Snape! We must kill them!" (That would actually make sense...)

"Death Eaters? That's impossible!"

"No..." said Tinky-Winky "it's true. We worked to Voldermot." (Just think about it!)

Snape got awed:

"No.......why?"

"Voldermort promissed that he would free our homeland from the dementors horde invasion. But, as we worked for him and infiltrated inside the Hogwarts, Dumbledore caught us. Now he absorbs our energies to fuel his mecha-bulldozer that---" (Hmm... I don't think I saw that episode...)

"Shut the fuck up!" cried Dumbledore. "You now will die!"

"No, I will not permit!" said Snape. He created a strong bound with those aliens, and he can't let them die, even if they are working for the enemy. (C'mon! You had a one night stand, bro!)

"So" said Dumbledor "you will die too!" and Dumbledore invoke the killing speel from his wand. But them, Yinky-Winky, from the bottom of his purse, pulled out a Colt 45 Revolver (That sentence is probably the ONLY thing that makes any godamn SENSE in this BULLSHIT!) and shoot Dumbledore, but the wizard deflected the bullet.

"HA, you cannot kill me!"

"Snape, go, save the Telletubbies, I'll buy you time!" cried Tikny-Winky.

"No!" shout Laa-Laa "we can't let you die here!"

"But you must, our he will kill us all and no one will can save our homeland!!!" and the Tinky-Winky advanced in the Dumbledore's direction shooting rapid bullets at him. (I don't remember the Teletubbies to be this epic! Seriously, TW shooting Dumbledore with a .45 Colt?!)

Snape used his wand and started to drill a hole in the cave, circumventing the vicious battle happening near the entrance. Snape and the Telletubbies managed to drill another hole out some feet awya from the confrontation and gotout of the cave. They raced away from it, and at some distance, they saw Tinky-Winky shooting Dumbledore:

"Dubledor!!!!" cried Tinky-Wink. He picked a hand grenade, pulled the pin, threw it at Dumbledore and shout "Die BASTAAAAAAAARD!!!!" (Harry Potter and the Clusterfuck of Insanity)

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" and the cave exploded, lauching debris all over the place.

"Fast Telletubbies," said Snape "HIDE!!!!" and they did. A lot of rock felt from the sky and fumes and dust covered everywhere.

"Tinky-Winkyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!" cried the three Telletubbies, and Laa-Laa tried to run and find her purple brother, but Snape prevented:

"No, you can't! This place is unstable, we will die staying here!!!" cried Snape and the earth started to shake. They raced away from the crumbling Tubbydrome Supertronic, avoinding the falling rocks and the posion flower that attacked them. (Argh, the poison flowers. They sure are a pain in the ass, aren't they?)

After a while, they reached a safe haven.

Laa-Laa was very sad and crying much:

"Why? Why we let him die Snape?" (Because fuck you. Thats why!)

"Oh Laa-Laa, he saved us and was his desire that we escaped."

"But it is not fair..." (Life's a bitch and then you die. Get used to it, hun!)

"I know...I know" and Snape hugged Laa-Laa, and the other Telletubbies did it too. (And then they gangbanged. THE END!)

Now, these four heroes must find a way to save the Telletubbie planet from the horde of dementors that are trying to invade and conquer the place, slaving all of the millions of telletubbie inhabitants (WHAT?! There's more of these horrifying bastards?! HELL NO!). Who is behind all this (He's known as ComicsNix, the bringer of chaos)? Is Voldermort involved (That's possible.)? And Snape and Laa-Laa? Will they be together till the end? (No. They will die from syphilis and go to hell!)

Snape says:

"Laa-Laa, I promisse, we will avenge your brother..." (No you won't! Goodnight!)

The End?

(YES! GOODNIGHT!)

Argh, I can't believe I actually did this voluntarily... But I actually like bad fanfics more than the few good ones that actually exists.

I don't know why, but the numbing pain in my brain that I feel every time I read another excruciating fanfic is kinda soothing. It dulls out the world, sort of like weed. Reading fanfics is like getting high on weed, and after a fic like this, you'll be able to hear flavors.

I know ComicsNix is a troll, but that still doesn't change the fact that he is the evil God of Fanfiction. And seriously, you've gotta have a pretty messed up mind to imagine Snape fucking the SHIT (quite literally) outta Laa-Laa!

Oh, and no disrespect meant to Captain America! I love and respect Cap just as much as everyone else!

Expect more of this bullshit, maybe not something from ComicsNix, but there's plenty of (hysterically fucked up) fanfictions on ze internetz

... Fml...